I really want to lose 10 pounds. There. I said it.

And you know what? I feel so guilty about thinking it. I’m much better off than I’ve ever been. I’ve weighed less than I ever have, even (yes) better than I was at Disney. So why do I care? By all accounts, it doesn’t make sense.

Maybe it’s because, all my life, I’ve never felt quite content with the way I look. I kept thinking that my appearance was all part of a journey. And it kind of has been up until now. I went on Weight Watchers 3 years ago, lost about 40 pounds, and kept much of it off. I let some of that weight come back when I moved to Florida (figuring, hey I’m skinny minnie and can have McDonald’s three times a week and I’ll just burn it off at the parks), and by summer 2009, I’d gained about 15-20 pounds. So I went back on Weight Watchers, just to motivate myself again, lost my gained-back weight, and then went back to the tried and true method of regulating my caloric intake and exercising more, ditching the soda, etc.

All of that has brought me to May of 2010. Since then, I’ve (sort of) maintained a steady weight. The problem is… I’ve maintained it. I’ve lost a pound, gained it back, lost a few, gained a few – it’s been a 2-to-3 pound window. And, for the life of me, I can’t get past it. I’ve tried mixing up my exercise routine, eating different kinds of foods… I’ve even let myself “cheat” for a few days, thinking that maybe my metabolism would get confused and start burning things faster when I started “dieting” again. (Incidentally, I don’t like dieting. It’s too instant-gratification, and the only common denominator among all forms of dieting is that it’s a quick fix that doesn’t last, i.e., “oh em gee, I lost 5 pounds in 2 days by eating nothing but peanuts and Nesquik.”)

And hey – I know that at some point, one has to stop trying to lose weight and just has to try and maintain weight. I just don’t feel like I’m there yet. Maybe it’s because I know I can push myself just a little bit harder to get that number on the scale a little further down.

Maybe a good start would be to put down the half sleeve of graham crackers.